Dear Aries,

You love freedom and will accept any challenge, only to give up and abandon your mission at the first sign of trouble. You are open, honest and will make energetic and generous friends easily; allowing you to more easily and squash them in your never-ending quest for power. Arians much prefer to be leaders and an Arian as a follower is not only rare and hazardous to anyone on a neighboring rung of the ladder, but is usually hazardous to the entire structure and integrity of the ladder itself. You are very self-centered because you believe your transient views are the only ones worth considering. You believe compromise to be the same as defeat, but would count quitting and blaming someone else as a victory.

Dear Taurus,

In short; you are Aries’ bitch. With no leadership skills to speak of, you will automatically align yourself with the loudest person in the room and/or follow the crowd. You will ultimately betray your intelligence, good humor, and relationships in order to uphold your allegiance to your misplaced sense of duty. Your poor self esteem will not allow you to feel any sense of accomplishment until being acknowledged by “the man”. While generally calm and peace loving, the utter frustration of the dynamic you always put yourself in will eventually lead to a fit of anger and violence, which will be directed at anyone but the actual offender, suiting the Aries’ vengeful goals perfectly.

Dear Gemini,

Ball of Confusion. While many will think of you as the dearest of friends, you usually endear yourself to them by deceiving and attacking their enemies. Friends should take heed though, because even as you may be praising them, you will still be casing their weaknesses and plotting against them should the need ever arise. Your childlike nature allows you to be very happy and go-lucky when things go right, which you usually achieved by being passive-aggressive and mean. Your shaky self esteem leads you to hijack other people’s ideas and work because you find it difficult to make decisions of your own, and impossible to stick to them. You have the ability to think about many things at one time at a fairly complex level, but the utter inability to concentrate on one and see it through. Geminis are the best liars on the planet, as well as the most intelligent. In short, you are an Aries and a Taurus wrapped into one, spring loaded, with a mallet in one hand and a bouquet of roses in the other.

Dear Cancer,

Defying logic and explanation is the key to being a Cancer. One would think that the biggest sucker in the zodiac would simply choose the good things to believe and be happy. Not so. The Cancerian tendency to be overly dramatic and love of being the bearer of bad news, be it truth or fiction, override any and all desires for emotional well being. While your lively imagination will probably lead you to considerable wealth in life, you will never be able to actually enjoy it. Nor will you ever have time to spend it, as that same imagination will have you manifest a string of illnesses upon yourself until you die an untimely death. Sorry about that, but it can’t be any worse than anything you would have come up with.

Dear Leo,

The Leo’s best and only true friend is the mirror. Everyone else will be considered as fans and admirers. Still, the always materialistic Leo loves to be honored, so you treat your fans well and always have many. Given to vices of all kinds, you will always be able to walk the fine line as your vanity and greed will never allow you to be too compromised by a single element of your lavish lifestyle. Your big heart and love of yourself will get you into trouble with your admirers, as you tend to believe that they, too, must be without fault - since you chose them. This gullible streak often times leads to you being robbed or deceived on a large scale, but, with the help of your mirror, you proudly move on without taking notes or adopting new precautions. You couldn’t do it any other way.

Dear Virgo,

God bless you, you wonderful soul. Keeping the world in order is a thankless task, but you calmly and craftily go about your mission with stunning effectiveness. While befriended by many who seek your forward thinking problem solving skills, you will still do your work alone as your cold and emotionally detached persona helps to keep the most independent sign in the zodiac so. Your inflexible nature would ordinarily keep one at odds with those around you, but you choose your enemies and friends wisely, while having the capacity to bring warring parties to agreeable compromises. Your keen observation skills may seem judgmental, but you observe to serve the needs of all those around you, and generally ask for and receive nothing in return.

Dear Libra,

The drug dealers of the zodiac, everyone loves a Libra. Your lack of intelligence and general laziness puts others at ease with you. Like the Virgo, you are adept at hiding your true feelings, but do so only to make sure you fit in with the “in” crowd. Doing this will always serve you best and will be a key to your financial success. With a strong minded partner, the Libra can simply stir martinis and make small talk while the partner tends to operating procedures. While you’re generally good at pretending to understand other people’s point of view, you can become quite angry if that view is at all critical of you. In your mind, since you do so little, no one had better have a problem with the few things that you actually accomplish.