Dear Aries,

You love freedom and will accept any challenge, only to give up and abandon your mission at the first sign of trouble. You are open, honest and will make energetic and generous friends easily; allowing you to more easily and squash them in your never-ending quest for power. Arians much prefer to be leaders and an Arian as a follower is not only rare and hazardous to anyone on a neighboring rung of the ladder, but is usually hazardous to the entire structure and integrity of the ladder itself. You are very self-centered because you believe your transient views are the only ones worth considering. You believe compromise to be the same as defeat, but would count quitting and blaming someone else as a victory.

Dear Taurus,

In short; you are Aries’ bitch. With no leadership skills to speak of, you will automatically align yourself with the loudest person in the room and/or follow the crowd. You will ultimately betray your intelligence, good humor, and relationships in order to uphold your allegiance to your misplaced sense of duty. Your poor self esteem will not allow you to feel any sense of accomplishment until being acknowledged by “the man”. While generally calm and peace loving, the utter frustration of the dynamic you always put yourself in will eventually lead to a fit of anger and violence, which will be directed at anyone but the actual offender, suiting the Aries’ vengeful goals perfectly.

Dear Gemini,

Ball of Confusion. While many will think of you as the dearest of friends, you usually endear yourself to them by deceiving and attacking their enemies. Friends should take heed though, because even as you may be praising them, you will still be casing their weaknesses and plotting against them should the need ever arise. Your childlike nature allows you to be very happy and go-lucky when things go right, which you usually achieved by being passive-aggressive and mean. Your shaky self esteem leads you to hijack other people’s ideas and work because you find it difficult to make decisions of your own, and impossible to stick to them. You have the ability to think about many things at one time at a fairly complex level, but the utter inability to concentrate on one and see it through. Geminis are the best liars on the planet, as well as the most intelligent. In short, you are an Aries and a Taurus wrapped into one, spring loaded, with a mallet in one hand and a bouquet of roses in the other.

Dear Cancer,

Defying logic and explanation is the key to being a Cancer. One would think that the biggest sucker in the zodiac would simply choose the good things to believe and be happy. Not so. The Cancerian tendency to be overly dramatic and love of being the bearer of bad news, be it truth or fiction, override any and all desires for emotional well being. While your lively imagination will probably lead you to considerable wealth in life, you will never be able to actually enjoy it. Nor will you ever have time to spend it, as that same imagination will have you manifest a string of illnesses upon yourself until you die an untimely death. Sorry about that, but it can’t be any worse than anything you would have come up with.

Dear Leo,

The Leo’s best and only true friend is the mirror. Everyone else will be considered as fans and admirers. Still, the always materialistic Leo loves to be honored, so you treat your fans well and always have many. Given to vices of all kinds, you will always be able to walk the fine line as your vanity and greed will never allow you to be too compromised by a single element of your lavish lifestyle. Your big heart and love of yourself will get you into trouble with your admirers, as you tend to believe that they, too, must be without fault - since you chose them. This gullible streak often times leads to you being robbed or deceived on a large scale, but, with the help of your mirror, you proudly move on without taking notes or adopting new precautions. You couldn’t do it any other way.

Dear Virgo,

God bless you, you wonderful soul. Keeping the world in order is a thankless task, but you calmly and craftily go about your mission with stunning effectiveness. While befriended by many who seek your forward thinking problem solving skills, you will still do your work alone as your cold and emotionally detached persona helps to keep the most independent sign in the zodiac so. Your inflexible nature would ordinarily keep one at odds with those around you, but you choose your enemies and friends wisely, while having the capacity to bring warring parties to agreeable compromises. Your keen observation skills may seem judgmental, but you observe to serve the needs of all those around you, and generally ask for and receive nothing in return.

Dear Libra,

The drug dealers of the zodiac, everyone loves a Libra. Your lack of intelligence and general laziness puts others at ease with you. Like the Virgo, you are adept at hiding your true feelings, but do so only to make sure you fit in with the “in” crowd. Doing this will always serve you best and will be a key to your financial success. With a strong minded partner, the Libra can simply stir martinis and make small talk while the partner tends to operating procedures. While you’re generally good at pretending to understand other people’s point of view, you can become quite angry if that view is at all critical of you. In your mind, since you do so little, no one had better have a problem with the few things that you actually accomplish.

Dear Scorpio,

Fun Fact: 48% of Latin women born in the 20th century were Scorpios. The rest developed bi-polar disorder; completing the straight flush. Though fun to be with, one had better make it quick as the Scorpio... See More’s utter lack of self control makes them enjoyable and extremely dangerous all at once. With a very pronounced fear of failure, Scorpios are often found with a Libra as a co-pilot. The Scorpio retains everything that the Libra doesn’t (which is just about everything) and satisfies its own control lust in the process. There is way more than meets the eye with a Scorpio, and that part is worse than what you already see.

Dear Sagittarius,

So forward thinking that they are apt to forget where they are, the Sagittarian is eternally looking for that which is in their back pocket the entire time. Reckless by nature, and irresponsible by design; a Sag would rather be in a burning building than be bored – thinking that the embers will reveal something to them yet unseen. The Sagittarian’s ability to perform well under pressure, all too often, leads them into precarious situations, so that they must use this ability simply to stay alive. While not moody people, they are easily offended and have very thin skin. This characteristic can always be tempered by the fact that the Sagittarius is a huge sucker, and believes that the grass is truly greener beyond each fence.

Dear Capricorn,

Bad natured, and with no sense of humor to speak of - no one escapes the wrath of the Capricorn, least of all; the Capricorn himself. While you spend your life belittling those around you, you know full well that you could never meet the expectations you put on others. This drives you mad. Your persistent ambition will always be... See More ... See Morethwarted by your incessant need to prove others wrong, making you the eternal social outcast. Invariably putting all their eggs into the one basket that the Capricorn always mistakenly identifies as the “one true way”, you will lead a lonely and solitary existence, never getting the recognition that you need to feel complete and think you so obviously deserve.

Dear Aquarius,

An Aquarian friend can be a dear one, but you’ll really have to work at it. They may invite you to their home for dinner, and then look at you blankly when you don’t arrive with the food, wine, and dinnerware. You, Aquarius, have a thirst for knowledge, but it isn’t clear why as you will never actually apply that knowledge in anything you do. Instead, you’ll stumble onward; ill equipped and oblivious to any insight you surely gained through previous endeavors. Some will try and help you through difficult circumstances that you create for yourself, but you’ll likely freak out, tell them to mind their own business, and find a bar where you can more easily find feeble minded people to manipulate. You will, however, quickly become bored with these dim witted people and look again for someone that can challenge you intellectually, only to freak out once again and start the cycle anew.

Dear Pisces,

Those who can; do. The rest are Pisces. You, Pisces, are a very compassionate being and love to help others when you see them in need. Unfortunately, you are far from capable of doing so, and usually compound any problem you hope to alleviate and add guilt to your already ridiculously large load of emotional baggage. With this in mind, a wise Pisces will recognize this and be found with a Virgo so that they may absorb people’s problems in their daily life, then bring them home for the Virgo to wash and organize. Always running from the cruel realities of the big, bad world; you are likely an alcoholic or heavy drug user and will disguise these vices as spirituality if you can get away with it. Though you have the ability to be a very hard worker, you are usually quite lazy as you fear your work may lead to seeing something unpleasant, or your fear of failure completely paralyzes you.